Joseph Brian's birth

Well, friends, here is a tentative stab at writing out Joseph's birth story, exactly 2 weeks to the wonderful day he was born. I preface this with "tentative" because for one, I am bound to be interrupted in the near future, and two, I'm not all quite mentally back yet which may cause the written element of this narration to be a bit shoddy. So here goes....

In order appreciate just how incredible this birth was, you have to first understand that this pregnancy was pretty hellish for me. Another stronger soul might not have found family drama, four plane flights, buying a house, remodeling a house, moving into a semi-habitable house, high blood pressure, and bedrest to be "much" but I did. And the funny thing was that it was the bedrest that broke the proverbial camel's back. After all that activity, one would think that 2 weeks in bed would be a much appreciated change. Not for yours truly. Having to lay around and watch my stomach move, while my mother-in-law watched Greta, and I watched Greta get everything she wanted was not easy. I hope to goodness never to relive that experience. It was among the most difficult situations - emotionally - that I have ever been in. But like all good - or bad - things, it came to an end.

December 3rd found me at Mom's group in the morning. Greta and I needed the diversion. Then Josh and I drove the two cars to Albuquerque, 2 hours away. Josh was selling the Subaru and I was going to my midwife visit there. My midwife and I had something of a showdown about my bedrest. She didn't think I was taking it seriously and I was just ready to shoot myself and go home... or something along those lines. Long story short, we got back to happy terms, which was a good thing because who wants to be pissed off with someone who is attending their birth? Not I! Then we noted that I was about 3 centimeters dilated and contracting every 5 minutes or so. Note to self, Joseph Brian does not like confrontation. We decided to watch and wait. So I wrapped up my appointment and found my way across town to the car dealership where I met up with Josh and we had dinner at Carl's Jr. Then we went back to the dealership and signed our car away. I have never seen a car sold so quickly... Josh informed the lady attending us that his wife was having contractions 5 minutes apart and that we needed to get home to Gallup for our homebirth. She was most understanding. My favorite part of that evening was preparing and using the Hibiclens douche in the bathroom of the car dealership. Hey, if I was going to have that baby in the car on the way back, I wanted to be sure he didn't catch GBS on the way out! That didn't happen. Instead, we had a nice, relaxing ride home, said the Rosary, napped (I did, Josh drove), and arrived home at about 9pm.

At some point, we went to bed. Enough said about that. We slept very soundly until about 4:20am, when I felt my water break. Explode would be more like it. I jumped up and informed Josh that it's "baby time." I trundled off to the bathroom and made use of my "birthing chair" aka toilet seat, while Josh set up the birthing pool. Someone should give me a prize for calmness. It seemed to me eons that Josh took to set up the pool, while during contractions, I really wanted to hold on to him. Problem was that I couldn't talk when the contractions were starting. So we rigged up a nice system. I banged on the sink and he came back into the bathroom when the contractions came. In retrospective, it still makes me laugh. Oh, somewhere about then, we called our midwife and she began the 2 and a half hour trek from Rio Rancho.

The contractions got harder and more painful. Finally, the pool was set up and I eased inside the warm water. It was really incredible. The warm water literally cut the pain in half. For awhile, maybe about half an hour? I lost track of time... I had a hard time with the contractions. I remember moaning and groaning a lot. It got pretty difficult. Then something magical happened... at least it felt magical to me. And believe me, to feel pain-free without drugs during labor is nothing sort of magical to the party involved! I had read and studied all about the Bradley method of relaxation during labor, of breathing, association/disassociation, etc. However, I never really had a chance to try it because Greta's birth was too fast. This time, however, something clicked and I found myself breathing through each contraction and not feeling anything. It was surreal. During the last half hour or so of contractions, I found that if I stayed completely still, if everything around me was completely quiet, and if I breathed deeply through my stomach and held my breath for a short period at the peak of the contraction, I didn't feel anything. But the craziest thing about it was that in between contractions, I found myself falling asleep until I scared myself with the vision of falling asleep and drowning in the birth pool. Not even Josh would save me because he, too, had fallen asleep in the rocking chair next to the pool.

Then there came a point when I knew the baby was coming soon. Not sure how, but I just knew it. Josh texted our midwife and she was 15 miles outside of Gallup. "Alright," said Maria to herself, "let's have this baby." And so we did. The contractions got harder. I hit "transition"... the time in labor that the Bradley method identifies by the "emotional signpost" of a feeling of "not being able to do it anymore." And it's so true! I remember screaming something about "God help me... I can't do this..." and thinking at the same time, "Hmmmm... this is transition. That means the baby will be here soon." Just knowing exactly what was happening and having an idea of how much longer I had to go made the last stage so much easier. I wasn't afraid of the pain because I knew what was going on.

**************

Silence and peace pervade my house at the moment. It's a week since I started writing. Since then, my brother and sister have come out to visit, Joseph was baptized, Christmas came and went, Mom went home, and I am attempted to rediscover home life and a routine with a new baby. Right now, the babies are asleep and I am relaxing with a cup of coffee and Baileys... and taking a stab at finishing this blog post.

So where did I leave off? Oh yes, the pain of labor. So I began to transition. It didn't last long. I remember yelling a lot and then, things suddenly quieted down. I began to push, but between pushing, I was almost normal. The midwife came in, but I was too "far gone" at that point to pay much attention. Joseph was going to be there any minute. I got into a squatting position in the birth pool and had Josh support me under my arms. I looked up at my window and saw that the dawn was coming in. It was a good time to have a baby. Besides, Greta wasn't up yet, but it was close to 7am and I knew she would be soon. My midwife told me to take little, short breaths while I was pushing, but I couldn't! Joseph was so close, I could almost hold him, so when the next contraction came, I just hauled off, yelled for all I was worth, and out he popped. Jules fished him out of the water and there he was... my little son. He instantly opened his eyes, looked right at me, and let out a loud, strong wail. Then he was quiet as I held him to me. It was 7:02am, December 4th, Saturday.

It was a magical moment. I remember that when I first saw Greta, my feeling was one of shock, amazement and fear. I couldn't believe she was there... I really wasn't expecting her 3 weeks early. But with Joseph, it was love at first sight. I had waited so long to have him. I felt so much more prepared and ready for him. And looking at him for the first time, all the earlier stress and suffering from the pregnancy seemed to melt away. He was so beautiful and so dear.

As it was with Greta's birth, the rest of the experience is blurry. I pushed out the placenta, which Jules dried out and put into capsule form for me to take later (because "it's GOOD for you!"). Josh, Joseph and I cuddled in bed. Joseph took to nursing instantly, another point in his favor. Greta was an awful nurser in the beginning. It was just lovely to lie there in my own bed, with my dear husband and our new baby, relaxing, watching the day break, and resting in the satisfying glow of a job well-done. Soon Mom brought Greta in, who looked with confusion on her little brother. As with Greta's birth, one of my favorite moments was when they brought me breakfast. For the record, I will go through labor just for the awesome breakfast that follows. A cinnamon roll and coffee always has to be part of that breakfast!

I felt wonderful that day. I didn't tear at all, and I spend the day relaxing with the babies and husband. That evening, Fr. Kellar came over to bless our house... I had promised myself and Joseph that we would have the house blessed as soon as possible. Since it had taken so much trouble to schedule the house blessing through the parish office, I wasn't about to cancel it on account of having a baby. So we made a pasta dinner that night and visited with Fr. Kellar.

And that's how it was. I'm sorry if my unabashed endorsement of homebirths, natural births, water births, and the like have offended anyone. I know it isn't for everyone and that everyone's birth is its own miracle. But I can only tell it how it was and as Josh put it, it was such a peaceful experience all 'round. My brain is starting to peter out, so ciao for now.

Day 1. Greta and her baby

Day 1. Little sleeper!

Day 1. Still on a baby-high

Day 1. I love that Josh looks more exhausted than either Jos or I!

The infamous waiting game

I would give a lot right now to write a warm and fuzzy post about how beautiful pregnancy is, how womanly and fulfilled I feel when I'm pregnant, what a wonderful thing it is to bring a new life into the world. Maybe all of the above is true in theory, but subjectively (that means, for me personally, right here, right now), that is all one great big pile of whooey.

Believe it or not, my friends, pregnancy (mine, anyhow) SUCKS. Maybe there is something after all to the Garden of Eden and childbirth/bearing the punishment for Eve's sin. I sure as heck feel like I'm being punished right now for every single wrongdoing I've committed since age 7. And that's a lot.

What makes it almost worse is the simple fact that objectively, I'm really not that badly off. In fact, I'm practically rolling in clover. I have high blood pressure. Which means I get to stay in bed most of the day, sleep, read books, and feel safe in the knowledge that my mom in law is taking excellent care of Greta right outside my bedroom door. I have the world's most kind and sympathetic husband who puts up with my whining, crying, complaining and complete mood swings. I'm not even as huge as I feel on most days. And I'm only 38 weeks pregnant. I'm not even overdue yet. You would think that having the ability to acknowledge my blessings would alter my mindset. But that's the rub! It doesn't. It makes it harder to admit what a wimp I am when this isn't even a hard pregnancy when compared with what other women suffer through. I honestly have nothing to complain about when I talk to some of my friends about their pregnancies.

I think what I'm supposed to get out of this situation is that 1) Maria is a horribly impatient person, and 2) Maria is being given the opportunity to grow in the virtue of patience, something she would not willing do on her own. This is very true of me. I'm the sort of person who will expedite shipping for an extra $20 rather than wait a week for something with free shipping. God is wise. He knows us best and knows what we need in order to become better people. It's interesting to think that you can assess a person's faults and virtues by looking at what they struggle with in life. What this whole experience does for me, though, is it makes me appreciate how very small my capacity for suffering is. If simply waiting in bed to have a baby is sheer torture for me... wow. What does that say about me personally?

You know, I'm to the point where I can't even imagine having this baby anymore. I really do feel like I will be pregnant forever with this same child. For awhile, I was so excited about giving birth. Now, I honestly can't see past tomorrow... and tomorrow... and the next day.... Actually holding this baby seems as imaginary and fanciful as dreaming about a wedding at age 16. God help me hold on to what little sanity I have left.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Well, the long and short of it is that I am bored out of mind. These last weeks of pregnancy haven't been fun. Actually, this whole pregnancy hasn't exactly been a barrel of monkeys, but unless you are one of those incredible women who enjoy being pregnant, what pregnancy is? But lately... ugh! At least I didn't have anything to worry about health-wise earlier. However, since I came back from Florida, I've had high blood pressure, low red blood cell count, low sugar, tested positive for GBS... nothing exactly uncommon, life-threatening, or terribly serious, but all added together, definitely an annoyance in the extreme. But on the bright side, the baby seems fine. So it could always be worse, right? Keep reminding me that as these days drag interminably on. At first, I was freaking out because I was worried about having the baby before 36 weeks. Now that I've hit the magic 37 week marker, I want very much for him to be out. My midwife is taking it all in stride. The high protein diet she put me on, plus the assortment of "calming" herbs and teas are really working to lower that pesky blood pressure. I blame Gallup, again. I'm telling you, this place is slowly trying to kill me. Little girls from the cloudy midwest states were not meant to live 6,500 feet up in the air, where they can't breath and where their blood count drops deplorably. Because I don't have any of the other typical indications of preeclampsia or toximia, I'm blaming the high blood pressure on the high altitude and Greta. Kids are ones for getting your blood pressure up and keeping it there. The worst part of it all is that as of Sunday, I'm on "bedrest." Hearing that was like receiving a death sentence... for me, anyways. I am happiest when I am up, busy, doing chores, keeping things in order, and relaxing when everything is together. Thankfully, the herb supplements have been working to the point where my blood pressure stays low enough that I can get up, take care of most things around the house, go for walks.... the principle difference is that my mother in law is here to keep on eye on Greta most of the day. That is a huge help! I miss Greta, but this works out perfectly because I've also hit the point in pregnancy where I am tired-off-my-ass most of the time and it takes the biggest act of will to move anywhere, especially in the evening.

I apologize that this is such a sucky post. I am just absurdly tired, wallowing in self-pity, anxious, impatient.... God help me! And if I'm not pathetic enough already, I really wish my MIL would go to bed so I can spend some alone time with my husband, who I haven't seen all day. There. That is the pettiest thing imaginable to say at the moment, but whatever.

You can come anytime now, baby dear. Bring on the labor pains, the sleepless nights, the crying, the nursing, the baby blues... at least I won't feel like the girl who turned into a blueberry in Willy Wonka.

What are friends?

I'm dedicating this post to all my friends, but especially the ones I've come to know better through that artificial medium - Facebook. These days, there is a lot of bashing of online relationships by some of us more conservative folks. Don't worry, I've been there and done it myself. But that was back in the day when I had school, a job, what most would term a social life. Somehow, before one has children, it is so much more easy to engage in a social life. However, a social life requires just that... engaging. An active participation on your part to keep it up, invite people over, go out randomly, make and return calls, plan fun things, hang out.... If you're doing that now, you know what I mean. If you used to, you definitely know what I'm talking about. Yet when one decides to be a "stay at home mom," having a social life in the typical sense becomes much harder and requires more from you than it does your single or newly married friends. For one, there is a lot less room for spontaneity when you have kids. And spontaneity is the soul of having a social life. But how can one be spontaneous when a small someone has to go to bed at 8pm. Otherwise, the consequences include waking up in the middle of the night, waking up too early the next day, being a cranky pants all day next day. It's harder to go to a party and then end it with a late night in the pub because while your single friends can go home and sleep off their hang-overs, you are going to roused by a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and HUNGRY child at 6am. Strong coffee, anyone? Children are no respecters of weekend, sleeping-in privileges, the saving grace of those Friday night parties. Even "hanging out" with a girl friend and engaging in some good girl talk is not the same when your child is unpacking a tissue box, scattering crumbs all over a cutely decorated apartment, or pulling all the DVDs off a shelf. The quality of conversation is strained when you aren't giving it your full attention as you smack your kid away from the cups of hot tea. Heart to heart conversations take a lot more cultivation under the circumstances.

So it's been my finding that "real friends" - as in friends you physically spend time with or do things with - are much harder to come by once you have children. It's not that they aren't there, or that I don't have a few faithfuls from my college and work days who put up with my decreased topics of conversations or inability to focus. It's just that the quality of the friendship changes a bit. And making new friends! If they aren't moms, moms to be, or single friends with an interest in child psychology or babysitting, forget it. It's at this time in my life when I find my daily source of female companionship to be Facebook. I actually count Facebook as a blessing in my life, no kidding. Because of it, I have made so many new friends with girls I either barely knew in my past life, girls I didn't know at all but who were friends of a friend, girls I knew by name but never hung out with, or girlfriends who are now moms. What is friendship, anyways? As with most good relationships, it is based on a common factor. Ours is kids. My circle of friends has become so much more eclectic since having Greta because now I have something in common with all the diverse people I would never have dreamed of becoming close friends with back in college or at work.

A couple friends come to mind immediately. One I met in grad school during my first year there. She stood out in my mind because fellow classmates said she'd leave class to nurse her baby. "That's awesome," I thought. (I don't know if that was actually true or not, but it impressed me favorably). "Baby, teaching and grad school. I want to be that person." The next year, when I waddled into class, very pregnant with Greta, she was there again, too, also pregnant. The main difference was that she had lots of intelligent things to say, while I felt more or less a prisoner of baby-brain. We never became close friends in grad school, but since then, she has been one of my favorite go-to moms for good advice, a necessary laugh now and then, an overall inspiration on how to balance your life. Another VIP in my Facebook world is someone I never actually talked to in real life! She's the very intelligent and well-educated older sister of a friend of my younger brother's. How's that for a far-out connection? But she is one of those people I'd like to be some day. Teaches in college, has a PhD in English (I think it's English), has two kids under 6, married to a seemingly great guy, has a farm in Ohio, knows all about canning, gardening, farming.... all the wonderful things I miss so much and want to rediscover when our life allows. Literally, she's living my dream life, as far as I can tell from FB. And just reading her status updates makes me feel smarter... poetry quotes, political opinions, or just random humor. Can I say "hero worship"? There are many other friends I could name, but then this post may make me look even more like an inveterate Facebook stalker than I really am.

So friends, how was this for a suck-up to say, "please keep my Facebook life interesting for the next couple weeks as I wait anxiously for this kid to come out?" Thanks, all :)

Upcoming Adventures

For lack of anything more interesting to write about (other than my latest pregnancy complaints, of which you have already heard too much), I thought I'd update you with our most recent travel plans. This weekend, we are going to be doing some recruiting for AMSL, our lawschool, in Phoenix. This is a big deal because my hubs loves Phoenix. No, he really, really loves this place. I teasingly call it the "center of the universe" because no matter where we go, where we eat out, what kind of overpasses or round-abouts we drive through, they are all ultimately compared with those in Phoenix. It is rather endearing at first. So to Phoenix we are going. The highlight of the trip for me at this point is staying in a hotel. I can't explain it, but I adore hotels. Nice ones, preferably, but I love staying in hotels. I think part of it is that we rarely did, growing up, so there is always the novelty of a new place and the sense of adventure, travel, exploration associated with it for me. And room service... nothing says decadence to me like being able to order food up to your own room! Am I betraying my hillbilly roots a little too much?

So after enjoying the opulence of staying in a Phoenix hotel and shopping in a swanky Phoenix mall (there is no better way to make yourself feel impoverished, sloppily dressed, and low-brow than shopping in a Phoenix mall), Greta and I are heading to Florida for a much-anticipated visit with family. I will be 33 and 34 weeks when I fly this time, but I'm not too worried because I flew during Greta's pregnancy at the exact same time in the pregnancy. And there were no complications. I'm not terribly excited about having a squirmy toddler on my vastly-reduced lap space for 3 hours and another 1 hour, but that's how it goes. Maybe in the off chance, the flight won't be full and Greta can be conveniently plopped on the seat next to me? That would be nice, almost too nice to hope for. So I'll be in the land of family, friends, and mosquitoes for about 5 full days, and then we fly back home.

After we get back, I'll be 34 weeks pregnant and our big plan is to fix up the downstairs bedroom for Josh's mom. She will be coming out to stay with us at Thanksgiving (37 weeks for me!). She's here indefinitely, mostly dependent on how she and I get along. I have a great mother in law. For one, she is an incredibly religious person, which will be good for getting us more regular about prayer time, etc. And Greta may learn that prayer is more than slapping your hand together at meal times. Ha! We'll see about that one! For another, she is a pretty quiet person, but not awkwardly so. You know how some people are quiet to the point where you find their company uncomfortable? She isn't like that. If there are things to talk about, we'll talk, and if there aren't, we are pretty content to leave well-enough alone. Finally, she adores Greta and Josh. Josh is her one-n-only child and Greta is her one-n-only grandchild. I guess I'm her one-n-only daughter in law, but somehow, one-n-only daughter in laws are not quite as endearing as their husbands or their children :) So overall, I would say that I am pretty darn lucky in my mother in law.

But even the best of mothers or mothers in law can cause a stir of trepidation in the hearts of their daughters when said daughters as immanently ready to deliver a baby. To be honestly, I have been FREAKING OUT about Mom's visit. Bear with me while you listen to the rantings of the slightly deranged pregnant mind. I'm afraid she'll spoil Greta. I'm afraid she'll upset my routine, poor though it is. I'm afraid she'll criticize the way I treat Josh. I'm afraid I won't be able to go in my room and yell when life gets "too much." I'm afraid she will want to make dinner. I'm afraid Josh will let her clean up the kitchen all the time while he sits and watches. I won't be able to exercise in the privacy of my living room because it won't be private... and she'll remind me that pregnant women should not exercise. I'm afraid her room downstairs will be cold. I'm afraid I will loose my temper, yell at her, and hurt her feelings. What if she thinks I'm spoiling Greta, or too hard on Greta, or too lenient with Greta? And... I'm afraid... I'm afraid.... 

There. I've almost made myself laugh. It's so unreasonable, and yet so real, too! When EVER in a woman's life is she less "at her best" than right before delivery and right after? And my mother in law will be living with me through these two worst times. Yes, I know she will help with Greta and the baby, but I don't really want help with either of them at this point. I'm worried that Greta will become used to having her own personal servant and will not like the change when Granmma leaves... and then I'm stuck with a spoiled kid AND a brand new baby. Borrow trouble much, Maria? And I won't be able to yell at Josh, at myself, at nothing at all without feeling like a completely idiot. It is so relieving to yell sometimes. Maybe it's because it stretches my cramped diaphragm. :)

So despite my complaints in this post, I am doing my best to be positive, not worry too much, and see the good in this situation. Besides, Mom hasn't seen Greta in over a year. Surely the good in that will outweigh whatever inconvenience (real or imagined) it is to me.

What to write about when you have 'baby-brain'

Don't worry, no one needs to read this post because it isn't going to be about anything interesting. I'm just starting to feel like a vegetable... a large, round one, maybe a tomato or a watermelon... no, too squishy for a watermelon... maybe a pumello... you know, those extra large grapefruits that don't taste very flavorful? Yes, I look and feel like a pumello. The thing with vegetables, or fruit, is that they don't have a mind to use and keep occupied. They just exist and that is the state to which I am slowly sinking. Simple existence. No real mental effort involved. I'm "celebrating" being 31 weeks pregnant today. Rather, I'm celebrating the fact that I have about 9 more weeks to go before this baby is born. Maybe only 6 more weeks if he decides to come 3 weeks early as Greta did. But I doubt it for two good reasons, one based on fact and the other on intuition. The fact is that the doctors probably screwed up Greta's due date because I had no idea when my last period was then. This time around, I know within 2 to 3 days when I conceived. The other reason is that I want so badly to give birth soon that of course it won't happen. Things always work out like that for me. Whenever I get my hopes up too much, I never get what I wanted. However, if I remain relatively noncommittal and complacent, then I'm more likely to not be disappointed.

(I have a sense this is a very ungrammatically correct post. But sorry, this is going to be as good as it gets. Save the judgment for later.)

So where was I? Oh yes, having this baby soon. So for the sake of posterity, how IS this pregnancy going? Honestly, it's been hard in the oddest ways. I'm physically fine. I've been ridiculously healthy and uncomplicated health-wise. Thank God for that. I'm not sure why, except that perhaps God knows I can't handle bad health on top of all the other drama that's invaded my life. But at our last midwife visit, the baby was measuring just right. He moves around a lot, especially recently. Tonight, he is trying to escape via my belly button. Greta used to do that, too, and it drives me crazy! My bellybutton is so sensitive. Imagine someone trying to poke it out from the inside! I don't remember Greta being quite so active. Right now, he is sliding his little legs under my ribs. Maybe if he gets his workout now, he will be tired when I'm ready to sleep. Tomorrow we have our next midwife visit, this time at our home in Gallup. Then we probably won't have another visit until I fly back from Florida at the end of the month. I'll be 34 weeks then. So yes, health-wise, this has been a great pregnancy. However, there's been a lot external goings-on that have not contributed to my overall peace and well-being. I have one particularly troublesome sibling who has been making my life hellish since April. God knows I love this sibling, but I've learned that I have some major emotional limitations when I am pregnant, and dealing with a sibling's "issues" is one of those limitations. After not talking to each other all summer (not my doing), I hear from him/her again this past month. The conversation and exchange left me so upset that I literally couldn't sleep for a week. That wreaked havoc on both our family life and my mental stability. So for the next few months, I am isolating myself and doing my best to live in my family cocoon. And it's not like there aren't plenty of battles to fight on the home front!

Greta has been "off" recently. Between some bad nights with an upset stomach and some really whiney days, I've almost forgotten what my formerly sweet, happy girl was like. She's definitely so much of a little girl now, and so much less the baby. If I wasn't pregnant now and full of my own discomforts, I would really be missing the dear, cuddly little person she used to be. I miss those quiet mornings lying in bed with her, watching her nurse, enjoying the still relaxation of a family at rest. At the same time, I appreciate that she can do more things for herself now... because Lord knows I don't have the energy to do it all. It's not that I'm wishing life away... it's going away, passing by on its own without my doing anything about it. And I'm too tired to do much more than nod as it passes. 

But not all moments are like that. Every day, Greta and I sit out in the warm front yard. Rather, I sit in the sun, soak up Vitamin D, and watch Greta climb on Tigg's dog house, scrape up leaves, pick up rocks, or step up and down the front steps. I love those moments. Time pauses for just a bit and allows me to absorb some of the beauty and preciousness that is my life right now. We usually sit there until Greta's Daddy comes walking home at 5pm. To see Greta run to the front gate, shake the gate, and yell, "Daddy" reconciles me to having a toddler rather than an infant.

As badly as I want to have this baby, I become sad thinking that these days with just Greta are numbered. As many of my mom friends have said, I do feel very much that I have the "raising one child" thing down pat. After one year and a half, one does learn a thing or two. However, I'm very nervous about dealing with two kids... and two kids of such differing ages. You know, it probably will not be as bad as I suspect because the "rule" works both ways. Whenever I think something will be really difficult, it turns out inevitably to be much easier than I suspected. Child birth was one such thing. I think the trick will be to lower all expectations and plan only one activity for the day, be it cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. And be willing to give that up if other needs arise.

So that is my life and thoughts these days, in a nutshell. I need a relaxing activity to pass the time for the next two months. Anyone have any brilliant and not expensive suggestions?

Parents are my heroes

I don't mean just my parents, although they have had to be pretty damn heroic these past years with so many drama-filled teenagers moving through the house into adulthood. No, I mean that parents in general are my new heroes. Next time you watch that perfectly dressed mother of two out for a walk with her tidy kids, know that that put-together woman has spent hours and sleepless nights growing those kids. She's given tepid water baths at 3am to bring down fevers, she's cleaned up throw-up, wiped up poop, probably sat in an emergency room at some point... you get the picture. Next time, before passing judgment on that frumpy mother with the screaming toddler in the checkout line, remember that she, like every mother, has endured the long discomfort of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and those pensive, anxiety-ridden first months of new life. Until you yourself become a parent, you cannot even imagine the work it takes to "raise" a child. There's a reason I understand now why they tell you that you will never fully understand or appreciate your parents until you become one yourself. I'm beginning to think that there is no occupation that is quite comparable to bringing up one's children. Every other job you can "leave at work" to a certain extent. Every other job you receive monetary compensation (instant satisfaction). Every other job can technically be terminated at any given moment at your whim. Not so parenting. Although I have no experience in the military, I rather imagine that it can best be compared to soldiering. It becomes your life. You have to 'see it through.' There are times when it is dangerous or difficult, as in active combat. But there are plenty of times when you're on the base, enjoying down time and some semblance of relaxation. However, unlike the military, no one is going to give you a medal for sitting up with a sick kid without loosing your temper. Yet the military cannot boast the sweet, smiling baby faces that kiss you and try to cheer you up after that bad night. So it all works out.

Last night, as I tried to fall asleep on the couch in Greta's room at 5am, after three rounds of vomiting and diarrhea with Greta, waiting for the fourth volley to hit, I found myself thinking out the sketch of this post. Parents everywhere, I salute you :) Thank you for the often thankless, unnoticed work that you do for no earthly compensation. Or is it really thankless work? For a face like this, I contend not.

Dog woes

Alright friends, I'm going to try to work this dilemma out before unburdening myself on my tired husband. To get to the point, this is the sob story about me n' our dog. "Our dog." I wish I could claim no responsibility for him, but that can't be the case. So here is the deal. My gut feeling is that we need to not own this dog anymore. He is a 3 year old, German Shepherd and black Lab mix, weighs about 90 pounds and has more energy than the atomic bomb.

Now, because I am trying to gather my addled and emotion-ridden wits together and prepare a cogent argument for Josh, rather than simply crying and screaming that either the dog or I are going, let's do this methodically. Why do people, most people, own dogs? Simple. For companionship, protection, or work. Most people keep dogs as companions. A companion dog, I imagine, implies that it spends time with you and you with it. You may even like the dog. I would assume that the dog would like you. So "time" is essential if the dog is a companion. Next, you have dogs for protection. Most dogs today function as an alarm and a deterrent. A thief in your backyard might think twice if you have a reasonably sized, barking dog making its presence known. I think it safe to assume that most people do not expect to keep dogs that would actually be capable of killing the said thief. So bigger isn't necessarily better. I don't know anyone who keeps a dog for work purposes, but I've seen enough Scottish movies to guess that in some places in the world, dogs herd sheep and other such critters.

Our dog falls under the category of protection. He isn't a companion sort of dog. He is too big, too strong, and too rough to do anything with. Literally, we do nothing with this creature except feed him. Josh pets him, maybe and lets him run around. But that's it. I'm not strong enough to handle him. I can just see it... me, my stroller, my pregnant belly and that asinine dog traipsing down the street. Not going to happen. However, he is a good watch dog, to his credit. Our house in Michigan was never robbed because of him. Two weeks after we left, the new tenants had their electronics stolen. He's a scary dog, I will say that for him.

Today the dog got out under our fence and tangled himself in our neighbor's fence. Our neighbor came over to tell me and I had to leave Greta, and untangle this stupid beast. He, of course, is not sitting politely and waiting. Oh no, he is running circles around me, jumping, pulling and tangling me. I can't even bend over easily to pick up a fork of the floor. Imagine trying to extricate a greased pig of a dog with a 7 month large belly in the way? Oh, it was a sight. By the time I was done and the beast was returned to his prison, I was ready to kill something. My husband came first to mind. We still have this dog due to his insistence that we need a guard dog.

So here's my fun predicament. How do I convince my husband that we do not need this dog, that it is unsafe for me to be handling this dog, and that a smaller, obedient, normal dog would do just as well, maybe even better for our family? If we had 100 acres, that is one thing. If we still lived near Detroit, that is another. If I wasn't always going to be relatively pregnant and carrying kids around, that might be another story. If Josh actually wanted to do things with this dog, that's yet another. However, none of these criteria are going to happen in the near future. So what's a nice way to tell Josh we need a different dog or no dog at all for awhile? Help, folks!

My list of favorite supplements

Wow, you might be saying to yourself, that is a 'knock your socks off' title for a blog post. Isn't it, though? Completely indicative of my mental alertness at the moment. We had a busy Saturday morning, and I'm winding down on the computer before taking that precious afternoon nap. For some time, I've been intending to write a post on vitamins and supplements that have really worked or not worked for me. There are so many options out there that sometimes it's helpful to be pointed in the right direction. Not all vitamins and supplements are equal, and just because the bottle says "natural" does not mean that it's made from "natural" sources. Of course, the issue is money. Your synthetic supplements and vitamins will be much cheaper, but they will also be less effective because your body won't be able to absorb them as easily. Without further ado....
Raw Source Organics. Here is a great overall supplement made from whole foods that are cold processed and therefore, retain more of their natural potency. Raw Source Organics is an awesome company that currently sells three lines of supplements. Daily Immune helps to ward off the nasties - colds, allergies - while boosting your immune system. When I weaned Greta and was worried about her compromised immunity, I started mixing one capsule of Daily Immune in her food. It has a not unpleasant, woody taste to it, and if you put it with yoghurt or applesauce, it goes down easily. We're in the middle of fall cold and allergy season here in Gallup and neither she nor I have any complaints yet. The Daily Multiple is a great source of easily absorbed vitamins. I'm currently using it as my pre-natal because it contains folate, which triggers your body to produce folic acid. The only thing I would add is that you may need to take supplemental minerals if your doctor/midwife suggests it because these primary contain vitamin sources. One of my favorite things about the Daily Multiple is that they come in veggie capsules, which are SO MUCH EASIER to swallow and digest when compared to the horse pills I used to take (and promptly throw up). They also carry a Daily C Vitamin for all of you Vitamin C takers.

Standard Process. Unless you really know what you are doing, don't take these without a doctor, naturalist, or chiropractor's say-so and direction. I've found that when I have a specific ailment - unusual fatigue, digestive problems, dizziness, irregular periods, etc. - Standard Process is a great way to go. See a health care professional who will either do muscle testing or a detailed survey of your symptoms and prescribe based on their findings. Keep in mind that Standard Process products are very expensive for the most part, which is why I don't take them as my 'daily' supplement. However, if you have a specific health issue, think of SP as medicine. They really, really do work.

Additional minerals/vitamins. For pregnancy and really, for most period-related discomforts, I highly recommend a magnesium supplement. It really helps with water retention and bloating during both pregnancy and "that time of the month." Right now, I'm taking about 500 mg. a day and believe me, I know the difference when I don't take it. I like the Bluebonnet brand that our Co-op carries, but I've heard good things about the Calm brand as well. If you're pregnant, don't miss out on Calcium, or you could find yourself like me, with awful leg cramps. Baby needs it, too, for his development. I'm taking the Bluebonnet brand because it comes in capsule form and absorbs easily. One thing to keep in mind with Calcium is that you shouldn't take more than 500 mg at a time because your body can't absorb more than 500 mg or so at a time. So I take it with breakfast, lunch and dinner. For pregnancy-based fatigue, I discovered that a B-complex supplement is really helpful. I was pretty much dying after the home remodeling when my midwife suggested a B-complex supplement. Wow. What a difference that made in my energy levels. B-Complex is combination of all the B vitamins. I take the regular dosage of Bluebonnet's "Stress Complex" B Vitamins. If this doesn't help you with pregnancy fatigue, take a blood test to determine your iron levels. If you are iron deficient, you will be VERY tired.

I do not suggest that you go out right now and buy all of these without your doctor's approval, especially the additional supplements. However, in the interests of passing along helpful information, there you go. Feel free to post comments about what you're taking and why. If you have any questions about my post, feel free to ask.

In the market for nursing bras??

Nursing bras are a... beast. Plan on having at least two sets of different sizes. One size for when you first give birth and a smaller size for once you start loosing weight and getting back to your normal shape. This is relevant if you plan to nurse for a year or more. DO NOT waste your money on those things Motherhood Maternity sells called "maternity bras." They are marketed towards newly pregnant mothers, whose boobs are rapidly growing during pregnancy. They are simply glorified normal bras. Save your money and either buy a size or two up in your normal bra style, or buy nursing bras once you hit your third trimester. Also, keep in mind that every woman is a different size, so when you read the reviews, take into account the writer's size, if she mentions it. I used to be about C34 before pregnancy. I'm D36 in my third trimester and for a good 4-6 months postpartum. Then I go back to D34. I like padded bras and bras with back support. Underwire is very unforgiving when your size is changing so much. These are my biases, so keep that in mind if you read my suggestions.

Here are a few places to look for buying nursing bras -
A Pea in the Pod. Outrageously expensive, but worth it if you're going to be nursing for the rest of your life, as I am. I'm trying a few new ones, so when they come, I will let you know my thoughts.
La Leche League. Trying these out as well. These are more reasonably priced. Have to be good because, well, it's LLL, for crying aloud. For you moms who pump regularly, you might want to check out their special pumping bras.
Gap. Really can't recommend any of theirs because 1. they were ugly, 2. they had only one layer of lining and my nipples showed through, 3. didn't care for the fit. And they were ugly, did I mention that? Prices were good, though.
Motherhood Maternity. I have a love/hate thing for this place. I found their underwire and padded bras to be total shit. They were itchy, uncomfortable and didn't fit well. Their sleep bra looses its shape quickly. Their prices, however, are encouraging after shopping at APITP. I liked their quasi-sports bra. http://www.motherhood.com/Product.asp?Product_Id=993890122&MasterCategory_Id=MC13 It is fully padded, the snaps work well, and I love the racer back feature in the back. But keep in mind that I'm a pretty big girl. I wear at 36D when I'm at my fattest and pregnant-est, so I like the extra support. I also like that the bra comes up higher on your chest and doesn't look like a bra when it shows under your shirt. I'm trying a few new ones in a week, so I'll update this later.
Victoria Secrets. Haven't bought these ones yet because I'm deterred by the price (around $50). They only have two and they weren't that pretty. If my recent purchases don't prove successful, I will probably buy from them.
Target. Some of my friends absolutely love them, but I wasn't a huge fan. For one, I think they work better for smaller girls (under a C cup normally). They didn't wear well for me. The elastic on the band tended to roll. The selection isn't large either. But the prices are good. If you like thinner bras and are smaller chested, they are worth trying.
Medela. Not a huge fan. I bought my normal size in a sleep bra and it fit very small. I'm fussy about sleep bras. They really need to be comfortable and these were just too tight.

Nursing Bra FAQs. You'll already know this if you've researched it, but here are a few things I've learned. Have several thin, stretchy bras on hand for when you first give birth and your milk comes in. Sleep bras are the marketing name for these. You can wear them by themselves, or you can line then with nursing pads. If you don't know yet, you might leak or squirt milk until your body adjusts. Don't feel like you need a full arsenal of nursing bras for just after delivery. Have your sleep bras ready and then within 2 to 3 weeks, or more, you'll better know your size and still have plenty of time to shop around for the style of bra you like. All of the places I mentioned have online shopping and allow returns.

Pumpkin Cake Cookies - Healthier version

I've been feeling an autumn-food-craving lately, so tonight I put together some pumpkin cookies. They are definitely better for you than the cake mix/pumpkin puree version you'll find if you google it. Super light and fluffy.

Mix together dry ingredients
2 1/2 c. flour (I used half whole wheat and half white)
1 c. oatmeal
1 c. sugar (raw or turbinado is best)
1 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. salt
ginger
nutmeg
allspice
cinnamon... all to taste

Next mix up wet ingredients
1 stick melted or softened butter
1 c. yoghurt (not the low fat kind)
1 small can pumpkin puree
2 eggs
1 cup dark chocolate chips

Then put it all together. You may need to make adjustments, such as adding more flour or more yoghurt for normal altitude. We're at 6,500 ft. here.

Drop 1 tbsp. of batter on metal baking sheet, spacing each cookie about 2 inches apart as they expand in the oven. Bake at 375 degrees for 10-15 minutes (again, altitude adjustment if necessary). They will come out with the same color, but slightly risen and expanded. Let cool on baking sheet for a few minutes and then move to a cooling rack. Makes several dozen super soft, spongey cookies that literally melt in your mouth

When it rains, it pours

So during that same night I was feeling so miserably sorry for myself, guess what? Josh reminds me how lucky we are that Greta sleeps so well through the night and, to quote him, "She's never had one of those throwing up incidents!"

Never, never say this to yourself. In fact, never say that your child will never do something because he/she will most definitely do that thing. Just be thankful every day that nothing went wrong that was irreparable. When you think that your kid is a shining example of good behavior and infant virtue in the face of screaming toddlers, just remember that your time will come. When you are about to pass judgment on the sniffley-nosed kid and its mother sitting in front of you at church, keep in mind that 'but for the grace of God' go you and your baby. Some people have it worse, some better, but I think it's par for the course that inevitably, the miseries of childhood will visit you.

All that to say... you probably guessed it. I'm not very subtle. But that night, Greta woke us up at 4am, throwing up everywhere. It was the saddest thing. She was still sweet and cuddly, although cuddly is not exactly what you want to do with a baby who has puke all over her. But she was so sad. And pale! My goodness, I forgot how pale people get when they throw up. She had eaten a whole plate of beans at the picnic that day (smacks hand of parent who let her), but it isn't like she doesn't regularly eat beans. Well, those beans made their unwelcomed appearance last night in a very unaltered state. Josh was a trooper. He kept his head and changed the sheets while I held our sad, sad child and dealt with the remainder of the throw up. Soon she was clean and back to sleep. We all slept until about 8am, when we were awakened by another throw up incident, this time accompanied by diarrhea. Not just diarrhea, but explosive, get-all-over-the-sheets diarrhea. I will simply leave the rest to your imagination. The happy ending is that after that thorough purging, Greta was just fine and (knock on wood) has been fine all day. But her poor Daddy now isn't feeling well. I'm dreading the thought of getting sick like that. God knows pregnancy is bad enough. But I haven't been sick-sick so far and would like to keep it that way.

Moral of the story? Never say never!

A bad pregnancy day

Apropos to nothing, I am exhausted. I have nothing all day that merits this level of worn-out-ness. We woke up reasonably late (9am), made breakfast, and drove to the mountains in McGaffey for a work-related picnic. We were there for a mere 3 hours and I came home practically in tears. I slept for 2 and a half hours. And I'm sitting here feeling huge, bloated, tired, and absolutely sick of being pregnant.

People, pregnancy is no cake walk. Especially once you hit your third trimester. It just sucks in the life out of you. Maybe that's a cynical God's way of making you want to go through the peculiar form of torture that is child birth. I was feeling that way today. Anything, even pushing out a huge baby, to get this misery done and over with.

So what exactly is the problem? You would ask. Nothing, really. The baby, I'm sure, is large, fat and healthy. Nothing is diagnosably wrong with me other than the fact that I am 28 weeks pregnant. I just feel huge. Please don't mock me by telling me that I don't look it. You're right, imaginary reader, I probably don't, but that has very little to do with "feeling" huge. Who ever said anything about a 'mind-body' connection? It's just that my entire torso area is being taken over by this huge-ass baby who insists in lodging himself somewhere in the vicinity of just under my boobs. I swear to goodness, he kicked them from inside today! To think I ever complained about poor, sweet, little Greta, who grew to a pleasant 6.2 lbs., moved moderately, and stayed in a reasonable position... and came out nicely and easily. What's wrong with me? I can't freakin' breath, people! I wish I could just die quickly rather than by slow suffocation.

The unbearable part is that we have at least another 10 weeks. 10 WEEKS. That is a mini eternity, if you ask me. Just my luck, baby will decide he is too warm and comfortable to come out and will stay in the full 40 weeks or longer. AHHHHHHH!

So if you're the praying type, send some prayers my way. If not, wish me luck.

Recent Reading List - Conrad Richter

I've been looking back through my recent posts and noticed that they are primarily about babies. Surprise, surprise, right? I spend all day with a 1 year old and I'm expecting another in 3 months. But just so no one thinks I've totally succumbed to "baby brain," let me refresh my skills in non-baby talk.

I'm always reading some book (keeps me sane) and lately, I've been reading Conrad Richter's American pioneer trilogy (backwards) and The Mother Knot by Jane Lazarre. Two pretty different books, but similar in their featuring what Netflix calls a "strong female lead." Richter's books are The Trees, The Fields, and The Town. He traces the fictional settlement of Ohio from the point of view of his heroine, Sayward Luckett. In the first book, her family migrates from Pennsylvania to the dense woods of Ohio. Here they settle and in this book, she watches her siblings grow up, and she also marries her husband. The Fields is about Sayward's experience as a young mother of many children and the development of a town around her farm. The Town finds Sayward nurturing her youngest child and follows her life into old age, where she sees the end of the Ohio wilderness.

Of the three, The Town is the best. The character development and the conflict between Sayward and her youngest son is realistic and relevant to any generation. Unlike her older children, who witnessed their mother literally create a living for her family with her own hands, Sayward's youngest son, Chancey, grows up in a settled environment. He does not see or experience privation firsthand, which causes him to reject the "old fashioned" work ethos of his pioneer mother. His philosophy of life fights that of his mother's, who believes in the virtue of hard work, whether or not it is necessary. Chancey believes that work denigrates the human person and that less work for all creates freedom for all. I got a sniff of early socialist and communist ideas in this... which makes sense because the books were published in the 40's through 50's. My only qualm with the books, and the reason I'm not plowing through the first book (which just arrived in the mail) is because of the male/female relationships. Women, at least this one, were very stoic and appeared to expect a lot less from their men than we do today. There are many things I would have said to Sayward's husband that she does not. But oddly enough, the book helped me to appreciate, if not understand how men and women of my grandparents' generation stayed married .

Why I love being a stay-at-home mommy

I'm writing this post in the aftermath of a very good day (pregnancy included), which followed a very bad day (blame it on the hormones). As I was sitting on my counter, eating chocolate ice cream, reflecting on how I ought to do the dishes but would rather take a shower, enjoying the carefree quiet of my house with Greta asleep and Josh at basketball practice, the thought struck me: "I really love staying at home." Caveat - it is the furthest thing in my mind to in any way bash, denigrate or put down mothers who like to work, prefer to work, or have to work. Ladies, my hat is off to you. I honestly don't know how you do it, but I respect ya'll very much for it. Especially you single moms. You are going to be lined up at the Pearly Gates way before I even apply for admission.

That said, I am incredibly blessed with a husband who is supportive of my being at home full time with our children, and that the said husband has a job which allows us to get by with only one bread winner. But even for that, there are times when I wonder if I'd prefer to go back to work, just for the extra income (who doesn't need that?) or the opportunity to do something other than watch my kid/kids all day. For better or worse, I come back to the same mental answers when I have this discussion with myself. Without further ado, "Why I Like to Stay at Home."

1) I am my own boss. I can't tell you how much I disliked answering to other people about work, or taking instructions. Maybe I put a good face on it when I worked, but I work so much better when I self-initiate projects. Home-making is one big exercise in self-initiating. My special talent is bossing other people around, or, as one could say more politely, "managing." As the oldest of six kids, I am really, really good at seeing things that need to be done and telling people to do them, or doing them efficiently and quickly by myself. Again, all good reasons why I should stay home and have multiple children.

2) I really like my kid. No, seriously, I do. Yes, I love her, but she is also very likeable. She is one of the main reasons why I'd like a lot of children because if there's the off chance that any of them may turn out as she did, my life will be very interesting if not hilarious. I always tell Josh that if I have to stay at home all day with one person, Greta is the one I'd pick. Now that she is walking and trying to talk, every day seems like an endless adventure with her. We literally do everything together, from going potty to making meals (yes, she is good at scrambling eggs). What I love about her right now is that she loves to do everything that I do, which makes menial tasks like laundry an adventure of the greatest proportion.

3) I love 'keeping house.' I'm not sure how this happened, but one of my favorite things is to clean and tidy my house... or maybe it's the pleasure of enjoying a clean and tidy house. Or both. I'm not sure. I know this joy may be short lived after the multiple children make their appearance, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. My back up plan is to (shhhh! don't tell the kids) make them clean the house regularly. My mom did this, but she wasn't always strict enough about it and we found ways to weasel out of tidying. But the thing is, 'tidying' and 'cleaning' are two different things. People can learn to put things back where they belong (tidying). If my kids prove too dense to learn this, I may send them all packing to Singapore, because I will not live in a sloppy house.

4) Last but not least, I enjoy the (current) freedom in my life. It may seem oxymoronic to tie staying at home with your children with freedom, but there you have it. But it was my experience that when I was working, I had a lot less time on my hands. Yes, you wise mothers of many children can shake your head and tell me this will all change once I have 2, 3, 4, 5 or how ever many kids, but for now, it's true. Maybe it's not so much that I have more free time now, but that I can do what I wish with the time that I have now. My baby is older now, I'm not terribly pregnant yet, and life has slowed down to the point where we find freedom in our simple, daily routine.

"What I miss about going to work."

1) Making money (my own!). It IS nice to have spending money and to have the ability to spend money without a guilty conscience. I guess that is part of the sacrifice of a single income because with student loans, home loans, home expenses, and all that, there isn't money to throw around. Still, I don't begrudge myself the occasional shopping spree at Old Navy because really, it makes for a better day when you know you look nice :)

2) Dressing up. If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that I love clothes. Not expensive clothes, name brands, or anything special, but rather, the art of putting things together and making them "work." Really, dressing is an art form. Having grown up in a family where dressing was considered a utilitarian exercise - necessary, but nothing to be indulged in - my 'revolt' as it were consisted in an intense appreciation of properly coordinated outfits. I'm not talking about "matchy-matchy." Rather, it's one of those things that you 'know it when you see it.' Now, going to work every day is an excellent opportunity to put those clothes-coordinating skills to good use. Dressing well serves both the functions of necessary and enjoyable. Also, it was much easier to justify to my long-suffering husband that my purchases were a "business expense." Alas, now that excuse is no longer water tight. I might get away with pleading that case for nursing bras, but it is hard to extend it to pencil skirts and heels, which I couldn't comfortably wear even on Sundays. I still make it a point to get dressed at home (as opposed to staying in pj's all day), but getting dressed so as to wake yourself up in the morning is not the same as getting dressed to look professional at work.

On picnics, sleeping, and loving babies

I've been writing in this blog a lot more recently. It isn't really that I have nothing to do, as I often wonder. Perhaps it's that I have comparatively nothing to do, when looking back at the past 6 months. It's definitely because writing helps me to relax and unwind. Greta is happily asleep now. We were at an Italian picnic today and I ate so much food! I would say "more food than I could have imagined eating" but that is no longer true after being preggo with Greta. I ate an absurd amount of food during that second trimester. As in, more food than my husband. If you know him at all, you would appreciate what a feat that is. But this time around, I haven't been as hungry, or else too tired or busy to eat. I'm already to the end of the second trimester and I wouldn't describe myself as insatiably hungry. But today... I'd like to say I've eaten enough for three days, but I'm finding myself munchy again a mere 6 hours later. However, I was so tired after chasing Greta around in the sun while Josh played bocchi (sp?) ball. When we returned home, I fell asleep for about 3 hours. How decadent! Josh amused and fed Greta during that time. Being able to sleep so long and uninterruptedly is akin to heaven-on-earth.

I had a moment with Greta when I was putting her to bed. 3 hours of sleeping by myself and I found myself missing her very much. So I gave her a bath, lotioned her up, put her 'jammies on her, gave her a glass of water, and carried her around the room while we tidied it up. She isn't much of a cuddler, but recently has taken to snuggling on my belly. I suppose that the increasing squishiness of my torso makes it a desirable pillow. I also suspect that it is comforting to have the boobs nearby even if her mean mommy won't nurse her. :) Well, we laid in bed and she draped herself over my belly and fell asleep. Looking at her sleep, with her sweet, innocent, little face so restful and reposed, so utterly trusting and content, sent shivers of ecstasy up my spine. Her chubby little arm lay over my chest like a hug, her soft head nestled under my chin. Looking down, I could see my tummy bumping around as Baby Boy tried to make himself comfortable. All over, I could feel myself both giving love, security and peace, and receiving it. If I died just then, I could honestly say that I died perfectly happy.

Really, babies are such a beautiful gift. It is beyond cliche to say that, but it wasn't until I had mine that I realized the truth in that, as well as many other simple sayings. Like anything in life worth having, they required much work, self sacrifice, dedication, patience, and good ol' stick-to-itness. The rewards, like most things of this nature, are hard to put into human words or to describe with justice. Yet it's one of those things that you "know it when you have it." Maybe that's what is meant when babies are described as "miracles." A miracle is something not humanly possibly, something of God. Being of God, it beggars description. In my case, at least, nothing in my experience compares to the joy of one's children. Perhaps this joy is God's way of making up for the sorrow that children can and do cause you later... as is the case in my family of 6 kids. But even knowing this only makes my love for my babies more intense.

Love is a funny thing. I have this fear that I will not love my other children as much as I love Greta... while feeling like I'm doing wrong by Greta to love any other babies as much as I do her. Yeah, mothers are a special bunch! But as I lay in bed with Greta, thinking about this, it occurred to me that love is not something that has to be expendable. Love can be, and I suspect is, unlimited. Instead of running out of love, your capacity to love simply increases. So the more people you truly love, the more people you have in your life to love, the fuller a person you are. Think about it... the happiest people you will know are those people who have loved much. I think back to my early relationship with Josh. When we were first married, I thought I loved him as much as humanly possible. Then I got to know him better and grew to see myself more clearly. We stumbled down bumpy roads together, laughed together, fought together, and discovered more of ourselves in loving the other. In this process, my ability to love him increased. However, I think that this "ability to love" process is accelerated when you have children. For one, if you don't love them, find joy in the them, laugh over them, life becomes very unpleasant very quickly. Secondly, God made kids especially lovable. They're just that way.

Yes, did I mention that writing is relaxing to me? Well, it worked this time. Sorry for a long and rambley topic.

Starting to think about delivering again.

Uh oh. Last night, before falling asleep, it hit me like a load of bricks that I have to deliver another baby in a few short months... 15 weeks if we go the full 40, which Greta did not. Now you veteran moms of "real" deliveries might smirk a little that I'm worrying about this. After all, Greta's birth was nothing short of a freak birth. Which leaves me with the vague feeling that I've never really "delivered" a baby. No, this isn't a beg for sympathy post, but more of an attempt to make sense out of the apprehension I'm experiencing. Giving birth is scary, especially if you see it coming, as I did not with Greta. God knows what everyone needs, and apparently I needed to not be conscious of the fact that I was having a baby! Well, I have a sense that Greta's birth is not going to repeat itself. Since I have a well-concealed wagering streak in me, here's my prediction. This next birth is going to be more typical. I say I'll deliver some time between Thanksgiving and my due date, December 15th. I would really like to have a water birth this time. Hopefully the midwife will be here this time, but hopefully not early enough to make me anxious about a stranger sitting around in my house. The labor will be longer and I'll know it's happening. The baby will weigh about 7 lbs. Beyond that, I have no idea. I hope Baby will healthy and normal. I hope Greta will behave herself. Oh, did I tell you that we're planning for another homebirth? Yup. Josh's mom will probably be coming down to stay with us around Thanksgiving, until after the baby's born. She'll be around to help out with Greta, which is a good thing. I just hope that for my sake, the presence of an extra person in the house doesn't stress me out more in the last few weeks. Luckily, she is a very low-maintenance m.i.l., so I'm not too concerned. It's going to be winter when this baby is born. I wonder how that will work out. Greta was an early summer baby, so we had lots of wonderful walks together from Day 1. I wonder what it will be like to be home-bound with two babies and a husband who is working.

Did I ever mention I have a special skill for borrowing trouble? :)

I guess part of it is that with Baby 1, you don't have any idea of what to expect. With Baby 2, you sort of know what to expect, but then you don't because every birth, every baby is different, and you also have a better idea of what can go wrong. With most women, it seems like their second birth is much easier than the first. Since mine was as easy as could possibly be with the first, deductive reasoning tells me that the second is going to be much harder. How's that for optomistic thinking?

Well, here's to the third trimester and all the weight I'm going to gain :) Stats update. 25 weeks, weight 135-7. This baby is measuring 1 1/2 weeks larger that he is! So much for the nutrient-deprived baby I thought I was carrying through the house construction. Apparently he thrives on fast food and construction dust.

Fashion Sense on a Dime

I was planning on writing the second installment of my supplements/vitamins entry, but I'm just not feeling it tonight. I still have the remnants of my distaste at reading what a fashion editor for InStyle magazine can buy with a fall fashion budget of $2,000 hanging over me. Last night, I was talking to Josh about that and how impractical this is for the average woman who supports a family, depends on her husband to support her family, and can't justify spending $2,000 on anything other everyday bills. So why read InStyle? Ummm... a guilty pleasure that makes me feel like even if I can't afford or wouldn't want to afford everything they're pushing, I can still see what people are wearing and copy the ideas in a practical manner.

Because the fact of the matter is, you really don't have to spend a fortune to look up-to-date, chic, or well-dressed. I find comfort in telling myself that bargain shopping, or budget shopping is an art form. It takes no skill or intelligence at all to go out and buy an outfit off a manikin in Bloomingdale's. It takes a lot of persistence, patience, fashion savvy, and most of all, luck, to recreate a similar look from low end stores, thrift stores, clearance racks, or your own closet. So I find that InStyle is a good place to go for ideas. And c'mon... it's starting to feel like fall here. If that doesn't make you feel like a wardrobe adjustment or update, then you're a lot less materialistic than I, and good for you. But for all you ladies who feel the call of nature, then read on because I've distilled some of the more note worthy ideas from this issue's InStyle. :)

Cool styling tip - any of you moms or students wake up with red in your eyes? I do... all the time. Apparently, blue eyeshadow or eye liner makes the whites of your eyes look whiter. Cool, huh? And if your eyes are bloodshot or have dark circles under them, stay away from brown or purple eyeshadows because those colors intensify the discoloration.

What's everyone wearing - Honestly, as far as I could tell, EVERYTHING. Animal skin prints, gold metalics, something called "minimalism" (which just looks plain and ugly), and over-the-knee boots. One thing that definitely looks like it is out is flare leg jeans. Not news, huh? Yeah, well, I haven't exactly been following fashion in the past year. Everyone is wearing skinny jeans. But please, do everyone a favor and go with straight leg or bootcut if you aren't built for skinny jeans. If you don't know what that means, then just walk around the Gallup WalMart with me and you'll see pretty quickly. Some of the new fashion ideas I really liked (because honestly, I can't see myself sporting gold leggings or lepard skin coats) were the heavy bracelets, which instantly dress up any simple outfit, and the lovely, mid-calf, full skirts that are coming back into style after a long and sad hiatus. I just love the second one.

Maybe it's just me, but the look is so feminine, classic, 50's, and just ahhhhhh!.

Quick fall wardrobe update - I liked the idea of adding an earth-toned blazer to your collection. You can wear it over a simple summer dress or with a skirt, maybe add boots or a scarf, and you'll start smelling crisp leaves and bonfires. I checked Goodwill for a blazer or leather jacket today and had no success. But then, fitting any jacket is dicey when you're 25 weeks pregnant and are only getting bigger. You might have better luck.

Boots are a big deal right now. They are worn with everything, but the cropped pants/ankle boots stood out to me. However, I'm just not an ankle boot person, so I'm on the lookout for mid-calf boots that are narrow enough for my skinny legs. Maybe now that I'm preggo and fattening up....?

A couple more neat makeup ideas - Try using bronzer and a light blush together for a natural, light, everyday look. When you apply it, use a large brush and put it on in the shape of a number 3 - start on your forehead, then curve down to your cheeks, then down to your jawline. Accentuating your jawline lightly gives more definition to your face and helps to make your neck look longer. Random, isn't it? For a natural, easy lip tip, use a lipliner that matches your real lip color. Trace the outline of your lips with it, then fill in the middle area with plain ol' chapstick or a light lip gloss.

That's all for now. If I think of anything else interesting or read anything worth sharing, I'll post it later.

Supplements, good things to eat, healthy thoughts in general - Part 1

Dear eager reader,

You are about to learn something about me which I have not hitherto revealed (Victorian English, how I love thee!). I think I've covered most of my primary interests in this blog already... babies (the making, bearing, delivering and raising of them), husbands (mine, anyhow), cooking, reading, movies, random observations... it's all here somewhere buried under a mysterious heading. But upon further reflection, I concluded that I've never given you my spiel on health foods, supplements, vitamins, and all that good stuff. I'm not sure why except that it just doesn't sound as interesting as say, how to select a good nursing bra. But believe me, it is. Every week, an array of supplements that promise to make me feel good, beautiful and in the prime of life waylay me at our local Co-op, and I cannot get to the checkout without first paying homage to their outstanding qualities. So let's just say I've tried a lot, talked to a lot smart, knowledgeable people, and spent A LOT of money, much to my dear husband's chagrin. So I'm no expert, but I do want to see what my other mommy friends, girl friends and the occasional health-nut guy friend are taking and why. I'll share my thoughts and impressions - why I take what I take and how it works - and we'll go from there.

First principle of supplements - don't over do it! The purpose of "supplements" is just that... to add something to the preexisting norm. In a perfect world and perfect diet scheme, we would eat all the nutrients we need from fruits, veggies, meats, whole grains, etc. However, we don't, so we add to our lousy, American diets. So how do you not over do the supplements? Try first to improve your overall diet. Watch what is going into that shopping cart. Shop the circumference of the store... the veggies and fruits, the meats, dairy products, etc. first. I know my friends and so I'm not going to preach about what is a balanced diet, but I've been paying special attention to what we're eating since I'm rather guilt-ridden about all the fast food we ate during the house remodeling, and am seriously trying to hone in our eating habits. Make sure you are eating a wide variety of different colored veggies for proper nutritional support. The Bradley birth method, which focuses on keeping you healthy during pregnancy so that you have an uncomplicated pregnancy, so that you can have a natural birth, recommends that pregnant women eat leafy greens every day, yellow veggies twice a week... and you'll have to look up the rest because I'm drawing a blank here :)

Second principle - NEVER NEVER buy supplements at WalMart or your local drugstore. Ok, all my non-hippy friends can start throwing things at me about now and telling me how they can't afford to do otherwise. But here's why. The processing of the supplement makes all the difference as to whether your body can absorb the supplement or not. So you might be religiously taking your Women's Prenatal or Daily Multiple and your body may not be able to use any of the minerals there. Why? First, because the nutrients and minerals therein are synthetic, as in, your body does not recognize them as food and therefore, does not know what to do with them, and out they go with your waste. Second, while the supplement may claim to be "all natural," the processing of the supplement may have destroyed whatever nutrients were originally present. The most infamous offenders are your traditional, hard pressed pills. The heat and compounding destroys the good stuff your body needs. Gel caps or powders are usually more easily assimilated by your body.

Third principle - Sorry friends, real supplements are not cheap. Which is why the WalMart option is understandably attractive. But look at it this way. You are healthy and good looking now. Wouldn't you rather spend some money now to invest in your future well-being?  Think of the time you spend PMSing, having colds, enduring menstrual cramps, dealing with headaches and dizziness. Oftentimes, eating properly and using the correct supplements are the "ounce of prevention" that prevents the "pound of cure." 

So what DO you use or should you use? Well, the hard answer is do your research. Things to look for? Raw foods, organic, freeze dried, cold-processed... all are good things to look for. A midwife or your chiropractor are outstanding resources for good supplements. I'm not pushing one variety of supplement over another. Check my next post if you're interested in what I've taken or am taking, like, dislike, and why.

A nothing post

I'm just in a mood to write something, but haven't the foggiest what I am going to write about. So....

For the last few days, Josh and I have been 'nesting.' Oh yes, guys do it, too, only theirs is more obsessive-compulsive. He's been organizing the basement, which I swear to God will become his man-cave. With all the beer bottles down there, it already looks the part. Throw in some tools, a comfy chair, and a large ass TV and there you have it. I, in the mean time, have been "home making" upstairs... my territory. My kitchen is turning into a thing of beauty and joy forever and my bathrooms... well, I don't want to make anyone jealous :) The reality is that they are small, with no trim or floorboards, and the ceiling in one isn't painted. But they are mine and there is not one, but two of them. I have obsessed for my entire married life about renting or owning a place with two bathrooms. And now I do. Hence, joy and gladness.

Last night, we raided WalMart for furniture, and as usual, I came back victorious and slightly more broke than I went. I found a coffee table for 10 dollars. Granted, the top is probably paper, but it's sturdy enough and matches all the dark wood furniture in the living room. I'm living another dream here... matching furniture.

This week, after Josh finishes up another exam, we are moving Greta out of our bedroom. This is indeed bittersweet. I like having her nearby, I love watching her sleep, I HATE nursing her now. She is 15 months old and since pretty much the moment I got pregnant, it has been torturous to nurse her. Yes, she has teeth, but I think it's more because the pregnancy makes my nipples sore (sorry, TMI....). Ok, not just sore, horribly painfully sore. And I've put up with this for her good for 6 months now. Time to go, Greta. The thing is that she doesn't even nurse to eat, she nurses for comfort when Mommy is too tired or lazy to get up and feed her. This can be understandable because sometimes she takes it into her head to be starving at midnight, 3am, or 6am... all inappropriate times for small children to be eating, as far as I'm concerned. So hopefully, getting her into her own room will help along this weaning process. Wish me luck.

Well, the hubs is out of the shower and we have our midnight snack of ice cream to eat. I love that husband of mine!