The infamous waiting game

I would give a lot right now to write a warm and fuzzy post about how beautiful pregnancy is, how womanly and fulfilled I feel when I'm pregnant, what a wonderful thing it is to bring a new life into the world. Maybe all of the above is true in theory, but subjectively (that means, for me personally, right here, right now), that is all one great big pile of whooey.

Believe it or not, my friends, pregnancy (mine, anyhow) SUCKS. Maybe there is something after all to the Garden of Eden and childbirth/bearing the punishment for Eve's sin. I sure as heck feel like I'm being punished right now for every single wrongdoing I've committed since age 7. And that's a lot.

What makes it almost worse is the simple fact that objectively, I'm really not that badly off. In fact, I'm practically rolling in clover. I have high blood pressure. Which means I get to stay in bed most of the day, sleep, read books, and feel safe in the knowledge that my mom in law is taking excellent care of Greta right outside my bedroom door. I have the world's most kind and sympathetic husband who puts up with my whining, crying, complaining and complete mood swings. I'm not even as huge as I feel on most days. And I'm only 38 weeks pregnant. I'm not even overdue yet. You would think that having the ability to acknowledge my blessings would alter my mindset. But that's the rub! It doesn't. It makes it harder to admit what a wimp I am when this isn't even a hard pregnancy when compared with what other women suffer through. I honestly have nothing to complain about when I talk to some of my friends about their pregnancies.

I think what I'm supposed to get out of this situation is that 1) Maria is a horribly impatient person, and 2) Maria is being given the opportunity to grow in the virtue of patience, something she would not willing do on her own. This is very true of me. I'm the sort of person who will expedite shipping for an extra $20 rather than wait a week for something with free shipping. God is wise. He knows us best and knows what we need in order to become better people. It's interesting to think that you can assess a person's faults and virtues by looking at what they struggle with in life. What this whole experience does for me, though, is it makes me appreciate how very small my capacity for suffering is. If simply waiting in bed to have a baby is sheer torture for me... wow. What does that say about me personally?

You know, I'm to the point where I can't even imagine having this baby anymore. I really do feel like I will be pregnant forever with this same child. For awhile, I was so excited about giving birth. Now, I honestly can't see past tomorrow... and tomorrow... and the next day.... Actually holding this baby seems as imaginary and fanciful as dreaming about a wedding at age 16. God help me hold on to what little sanity I have left.