Monday, November 15

What are friends?

I'm dedicating this post to all my friends, but especially the ones I've come to know better through that artificial medium - Facebook. These days, there is a lot of bashing of online relationships by some of us more conservative folks. Don't worry, I've been there and done it myself. But that was back in the day when I had school, a job, what most would term a social life. Somehow, before one has children, it is so much more easy to engage in a social life. However, a social life requires just that... engaging. An active participation on your part to keep it up, invite people over, go out randomly, make and return calls, plan fun things, hang out.... If you're doing that now, you know what I mean. If you used to, you definitely know what I'm talking about. Yet when one decides to be a "stay at home mom," having a social life in the typical sense becomes much harder and requires more from you than it does your single or newly married friends. For one, there is a lot less room for spontaneity when you have kids. And spontaneity is the soul of having a social life. But how can one be spontaneous when a small someone has to go to bed at 8pm. Otherwise, the consequences include waking up in the middle of the night, waking up too early the next day, being a cranky pants all day next day. It's harder to go to a party and then end it with a late night in the pub because while your single friends can go home and sleep off their hang-overs, you are going to roused by a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and HUNGRY child at 6am. Strong coffee, anyone? Children are no respecters of weekend, sleeping-in privileges, the saving grace of those Friday night parties. Even "hanging out" with a girl friend and engaging in some good girl talk is not the same when your child is unpacking a tissue box, scattering crumbs all over a cutely decorated apartment, or pulling all the DVDs off a shelf. The quality of conversation is strained when you aren't giving it your full attention as you smack your kid away from the cups of hot tea. Heart to heart conversations take a lot more cultivation under the circumstances.

So it's been my finding that "real friends" - as in friends you physically spend time with or do things with - are much harder to come by once you have children. It's not that they aren't there, or that I don't have a few faithfuls from my college and work days who put up with my decreased topics of conversations or inability to focus. It's just that the quality of the friendship changes a bit. And making new friends! If they aren't moms, moms to be, or single friends with an interest in child psychology or babysitting, forget it. It's at this time in my life when I find my daily source of female companionship to be Facebook. I actually count Facebook as a blessing in my life, no kidding. Because of it, I have made so many new friends with girls I either barely knew in my past life, girls I didn't know at all but who were friends of a friend, girls I knew by name but never hung out with, or girlfriends who are now moms. What is friendship, anyways? As with most good relationships, it is based on a common factor. Ours is kids. My circle of friends has become so much more eclectic since having Greta because now I have something in common with all the diverse people I would never have dreamed of becoming close friends with back in college or at work.

A couple friends come to mind immediately. One I met in grad school during my first year there. She stood out in my mind because fellow classmates said she'd leave class to nurse her baby. "That's awesome," I thought. (I don't know if that was actually true or not, but it impressed me favorably). "Baby, teaching and grad school. I want to be that person." The next year, when I waddled into class, very pregnant with Greta, she was there again, too, also pregnant. The main difference was that she had lots of intelligent things to say, while I felt more or less a prisoner of baby-brain. We never became close friends in grad school, but since then, she has been one of my favorite go-to moms for good advice, a necessary laugh now and then, an overall inspiration on how to balance your life. Another VIP in my Facebook world is someone I never actually talked to in real life! She's the very intelligent and well-educated older sister of a friend of my younger brother's. How's that for a far-out connection? But she is one of those people I'd like to be some day. Teaches in college, has a PhD in English (I think it's English), has two kids under 6, married to a seemingly great guy, has a farm in Ohio, knows all about canning, gardening, farming.... all the wonderful things I miss so much and want to rediscover when our life allows. Literally, she's living my dream life, as far as I can tell from FB. And just reading her status updates makes me feel smarter... poetry quotes, political opinions, or just random humor. Can I say "hero worship"? There are many other friends I could name, but then this post may make me look even more like an inveterate Facebook stalker than I really am.

So friends, how was this for a suck-up to say, "please keep my Facebook life interesting for the next couple weeks as I wait anxiously for this kid to come out?" Thanks, all :)

9 comments:

  1. ha. superb post!!

    I don't envy you and these last few weeks/days but hopefully little Mr. will follow in Greta's early bird foot steps!!!

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  2. Maria, I know exactly what you mean! I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with "new" friends where we admit that we wished we would have known about one another when we had the opportunity (freedom) to do so.

    I think that another big thing in terms of friendships at this stage of motherhood is flexibility. Honestly, I get a break in the middle of the day during naptime, but the last thing that I want to do is pick up the phone and call a friend. I love my friends, but quiet time is so limited that those moments need to be utilized for sanity and solitude. Other mothers understand this, which is why I think that "play dates" and "coffee dates" are much more desired that anything involving a phone conversation during naptime.

    I like facebook, too, for the same reasons you state. I love reading blogs, too. You're term! Enjoy!

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  3. Lol. Maria! You are exactly right!!! I feel like I used to be smart at one time in my life, I did work in DC and all, now I feel like my conversations consist of baby, baby and more baby! I wouldn't trade it for the world though! I call FB my lifeline, and I couldn't live without it! I always love reading your blog, because this is right where I am in life! See you on facebook! Love, Andrea

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  4. I totally agree!!! I remember fondly the college life, the work life, and going out every night. I remember good restaurants and movie theaters!! Sometimes. Sometimes my memories of that life get a little blurred. Fewer friends hung around post-baby than I'd expected, but I also moved to the middle of nowhere, and now I have mom friends....who appreciate conversations about diapers and sleepless nights...and who understand phone calls that aren't immediately returned or emails that don't get sent. Hanging out is now having a play date. Bumping into someone at the store counts, too! I sometimes think that if it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know anyone anymore... :) I'll try to be entertaining...but now that I fell like I'm on the spot, I don't know how well that'll go!

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  5. haha! I love you, girls. I really am so grateful to have friends like you... and I haven't even met some of you! Mallory, I totally relate about the phone call thing. I just don't do it anymore. Naptimes are sacrosanct here and if I don't get mine, or at least have "quiet time" someone is going to suffer later on... be it myself, my kid or my husband. Hence, online friendships. Awyn, tell me about play dates and grocery store get - togethers! It's little things like that, which I took for granted before, that really brighten my day.

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  6. I sure hope I'm the person from grad school, but probably not; she sounds waaaaay cooler than me :) Also, for the record, I never actually left class to nurse my baby, but I did leave class to pump for my baby. How funny. I must say, though, what a wonderful friend you have turned out to be! If only we'd known this when we were both in the same state...

    I totally agree with you about facebook, though; it really is a lifesaver in terms of staying connected with my friends, since many times going out and actually talking to them is not an option. I used to be able to take Phaedra with me when she was very little and have lunch with a friend, but those days are loooong gone.

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  7. Yes, Janel, that person is you and you're definitely cool :) I wasn't sure if you wanted anonymity, so I refrained from mentioning names. Aww man, that would have been so much cooler if you left to nurse, although I think pumping is more inconvenient! Lunch dates are all well and good until the kid started demanding all the food from your plate, and then it's just not fun anymore.

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  8. Maria - You are such a treasure!! Thank God you understand about phone calls, quiet time during naps, and the like!! Your blog is a joy to read . . . I miss you!

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  9. Believe me, I would much rather have been actually nursing my baby. Nothing is more awesome than sitting in a gross EMU bathroom with a noisy breast pump, reading the same career placement newsletter over and over while dumb undergrad girls feel compelled to comment on the noise coming from the stall in the corner.

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