So what is new in this odd circumstance known as my life? Well, I temporarily disappeared into the wilds of Ohio for an impromptu visit to the few family members left there. All of them are "going through" something in one way or another. I've come to the conclusion that I have a bad tendency to go overboard when it comes to my family. If there is something wrong, I worry and stress and fret over it until I've done something towards righting the wrong. This may sound like a meritorious trait, but it isn't. For one, it leads to no end of useless worry and anxiety on my part. Secondly, I often the doubt the efficacy of any action on my part. I mean, if people want to mess up their lives and if people don't want to be saved from themselves, intervention seems futile, right? Ah well, some people never learn to stop.
So one unnamed family member has been making a series of choices that have yet to prove beneficial to him/her and in the mean time, are seriously affecting the rest of the family in a negative way. Said family member indicates that he/she will be visiting Ohio for a short period of time to another unnamed family member. Big sister hears about this and decides with one day's notice to haul her butt and her baby's butt out to Ohio to reconnect with this family member and figure out what the hell is going on. Through a series of unfortunate events, big sister and baby arrive in Ohio, rent a car, and go to see said family member. Said family member then communicates that he/she will be unable to visit due to unforeseeable circumstances. Ok, then... on to Plan F... fly erstwhile family member home. Family is reunited and everyone lives happily ever after.
Not so much. As I look back now, from the fine vantage point of my comfy couch, pleasantly situated in my own cozy home, surrounded by my own affectionate family, it certainly felt like a very painful and useless experience. I'm still having a hard time deciding what exactly was so awful about the experience. Being accused repeatedly of being a liar, a traitor, and an untrustworthy human being may add to that feeling. Watching my baby suffer through a time zone change, a routine disruption, and turn into a clingy fiend was not exactly a joyful process. Facing misunderstanding and lies from other, supposedly "helpful" family members could be part of the problem. The physical discomfort of sitting through 4 long flights, by oneself, with a toddler, in one's 1st trimester, and missing two of those flights, and having to stay overnight in God-forsaken Atlanta could definitely be cause to doubt the overall success of the venture. Just being away from your husband for a week and under such stressful circumstances is hard enough. So what was accomplished, I ask myself? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in almost a year. While never the most stimulating of visits, it was still good to see her again. And I saw another family member who I haven't seen in a long time. And as for the current problem child, well... he/she at least knows that his/her family cares enough about him/her to go through great lengths to see him/her. If actions do speak louder than words, and said family member does not close off his/her mind to reality, then he/she should realize that his/her family still loves him/her.
Whatever. Everyone is able to make their own decisions, good, bad, or otherwise. It's just a pity that often, you have to hurt yourself and others around you in order to learn from the school of hard knocks. This little episode in my family's drama is far from over yet, but I'm settling back to watch it happen, secure in the feeling that I did my best and couldn't have tried harder to give someone the chance to stop screwing up. Smug? Maybe, yes, a little... but it's also a great way to mask very real feelings of failure, disappointment and sadness. I can honestly say that I have never, in my 25 years of life, been through so harrowing and painful an experience - mentally, physically, and emotionally. Being 13 weeks pregnant didn't help, either. Oh well... pick up, and keep moving on. What else can you do? You just can't live other people's lives for them or prevent them from hurting themselves if they are determined to do so.
I think especially as the oldest child, it's hard to watch siblings make decisions that we are sure are the incorrect ones for them, especially if it involves a circumstance that we've already gone through. Most of the time though, everyone has to go through it themselves to discover their choice was actually right/wrong. It's so hard, I know! We have similar situations happening in my family and it's nearly impossible to just sit and watch it happen!
ReplyDeleteI think you hit the nail on the head, Maria, by saying that you do love your familiy member- as one who has been "rebellious" and made a lot of bad choices in the past, and "turned around" now, I am so very blessed to have had my family's love still there waiting for me. God's love and grace can turn an awful situtaion into a beautiful one. Family relationships can become stronger, faith can become stronger, love can become stronger, just to name a few -Monica
ReplyDeleteOh, Maria, hugs to you. I can completely relate to your situation -- my family is very far from perfect, and I have experienced enough heartache and grief from family drama to finally be able to say that the best thing you can do is to simply let the person know that you are always available and willing to help them, but you won't be a part of the drama they create. You just have to take care of yourself, and keep connected to the healthy relationships in your family. It's not always easy, and as the oldest child, it's not what our instinct is, but in the long run, you'll be much happier. It's not your job to fix something (or someone) that doesn't want to be fixed.
ReplyDeleteThank you, all. I really appreciate the words of encouragement and support. It's just hard in this case, because although my family has been far from immune to "drama" and bad choices, this one really hits home because this sibling and I are/were so very close all our lives. I guess that's why I'm struggling to let go and leave things alone. It just breaks my heart to see someone I love SO much behave so.
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