"Professional Development" and motherhood

When I was a kid, I used to envision myself as this perfectly happy, self-contained, self-confident, self-sacrificing mother, who devoted herself to her children and husband 24/7 and never uttered a word of complaint. My mom was like that (minus the perfectly happy part. I knew enough to see that she wasn't, and not until I was older did I realize that no one is), so I assumed I would be all she was and more. The "more" was that I wouldn't fight with my spouse and I would always take time to dress up and look lovely (think '50's housewife ;) ). Oh, and I would be completely patient with and understanding to my children. Conceited little cuss, wasn't I?

Immature, more likely. One thing that can't be avoided is getting older, and as one gets older, one lives longer, experiences more, and hopefully, learns more and modifies ones ideals and ideas accordingly. To me, maturity means the ability to understand and sympathize with other people because you've experienced something similar to their experiences, and if you haven't, you know that nothing is completely black and white.

So the point of this rambling introduction was that I've unconsciously found myself modifying one of my original visions of myself as a wife and mother. I used to be completely adamant that I was going to be a 100% stay at home. This was before I had kids. :) After I had kids, I started to think, "man, it's nice to get out of the house and dress up to go... to the grocery store." Over the course of having kids for 3 and a half years (yup, quite the ol' timer with this... ha!), my thinking has evolved to being such that in order to be a loving, patient, disciplined mother, I need an outlet of my own. I felt badly about this at first. Most of the mothers I aspired to be were always with their kids, so involved in their kids' activities, so dedicated, etc. Well, I now think that how you mother your children is as personal and individual as the things that make you happy. It's clique to say that everyone is different, but when it comes to being a mother, you have the freedom to do things as suits you and still fosters your children's well-being. One can't separate the fact that a happy, content mother is going to be more patient, more loving to her children. Sometimes, doing what is best for your kids simply means admitting your own weaknesses and doing what you can to assuage them. Think of the adjectives I used to describe my previous aspirations... "self-sacrificing," "self-confident," "self-contained," "self-effacing." It's self, self, and more self. It was about me giving and giving and disregarding my own needs and my personality. There is a place for the "self" virtues, but to a lesser person (such as myself), the temptation is to make yourself into some sort of victim. After awhile, the victim starts taking too much pride in her supposed virtue. I find it personally better to admit your weaknesses, be honest, and do your best to keep yourself happy so that you can better make the people around you happy. Happiness begets happiness.

So in the past years, I've held a few part-time, from home jobs. They were fun for the fact that they kept the intellectual, research-based, mental juices flowing, but didn't involve me leaving the house.

Until recently.... Within the past few months, I found myself presented with the opportunity to open an equestrian therapeutic riding center here in town. Totally out of the blue, so unexpected, and yet, in some funny way, providential. I've always had a heart for teaching. I don't care that I'm not the smartest, most well-read, most scholarly person. To be a good teacher, it's more important to know basics, be able to apply them logically, care about your students, and love what you are teaching. It also helps to have motivated students. This was why I had pursued an advanced English degree... if circumstances so permitted, I wanted to teach English at the college level. If there is one thing I enjoy more than reading, it is riding. I owned and rode horses all through my teenage and young adult years. I gave it up when I got married because there was no way to fit it into our semi-nomadic lifestyle... or lack of finances.

However, in this scenario, I'll be acquiring horses, training them, giving lessons to adults and children with behavioral health issues, and directing a program... and starting it entirely from scratch. There is nothing like it in this town, nor is there any ready-made facility to buy. My most recent activities have been finding suitable land and studying for the riding therapy certification. Between now and May when we open, we need to build a stable, find horses, get supplies, train volunteers, be in compliance with God-knows-what-yet, and complete the certification process.

I may rant in the next few months about being stressed, overworked, tired, a bad mother, a poor manager, but I certainly don't expect to write about being bored. :)